Pooch's Truthful Facts

Hi, I am Pooch Face.  I thought I would enlighten the human world with some pooch facts.  I am a cute, cuddly stuffed dog.   Let's compare me to an average real dog.

Things a real dog DOES that I do not do:  (I wouldn't call these pros, they look more like cons to me)
         Poops and pees on everything
         Barks and howls at everything
         Carrys disease and fleas
         Bites and mauls anyone or everyone
         Knocks down and breaks or tears up personal property
       
Things a real dog NEEDS that I do not:
          Expensive vet visits
          Food, food and more food
          Walks each day in all weather
          Toys to keep it from chewing all your clothes
          Leashes, collars, tags, dog house, dog bed, bowls
          CONSTANT ATTENTION or it barks and howls at nothing

Things BOTH a real dog and I capable of:
           Constant companion - however, I am quiet and will leave you alone when you want.
           Love - we both can have the same amount of projected love you imagine us to have
           
Things I can do that a real dog cannot:
            Live as long as you keep my seams together.
            If I get mites, you can freeze me for a couple days and I am mite free.  Doesn't cost you at all.
            I can go with you everywhere and no one is allergic to me.
            I cost a lot less.
            I never need to be trained.
            I am so quiet that no one knows I am there and thus your neighbors love you.
            I never make a mess and you can wash me without getting soaking wet.
            I never need grooming and I have no nails to mar or scrape furniture or floors or your skin.

As far as the facts listed above, it is logical to assume that any intelligent human would rather have me than a real dog.  Wouldn't you rather live as a human than as a member of a dog pack living in a kennel.  I have been in many homes that have real dogs and it smells like a kennel and so does their yard, yuck.  

The name dog  has a definition that is not something nice:   from merriam webster pages

a : a worthless or contemptible person

plural : ruin <going to the dogs>

: one inferior of its kind <the movie was a dog>: as

a : an investment not worth its price

b : an undesirable piece of merchandise

: an unattractive person; especially : an unattractive girl or woman 

From Wikipedia pages: 
Dog Days were popularly believed to be an evil time "the Sea boiled, the Wine turned sour, Dogs grew mad, and all other creatures became languid; causing to man, among other diseases, burning fevers, hysterics, and phrensies." according to Brady’s Clavis Calendaria, 1813

So, I am wondering why people have dogs at all.  I understand that a few well trained dogs are useful as service dogs, performing a service such as assisting a blind person, finding someone or sniffing out drugs although sniffer mice are beginning to replace dogs in that area.  The therapy dog scam is so ridiculous as to be funny.   If you are going to have an attack, the dog will only keep helping hands from you.  It cannot call 911 or catch you if you fall or any other assistance.  If you have such anxiety that you cannot go anywhere without a dog, then you need to transfer that savior image you have on the dog to a blanket or favorite coat or someone like me who can calm you rather than slobber on your face.     

So much for my first set of facts.  I hope you enjoyed this bit of logic and truth.  I am not sure what the next topic will be but I plan on writing soon.